Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.
The next morning I told Mom I couldn’t go to school again. She asked what was wrong. I told her, “The same thing that’s always wrong.” “You’re sick?” “I’m sad.” “About Dad?” “About everything.” She sat down on the bed next to me, even though I knew she was in a hurry. “What’s everything?” I started counting on my fingers: “The meat and dairy products in our refrigerator, fistfights, car accidents, Larry—” “Who’s Larry?” “The homeless guy in front of the Museum of Natural History who always says ‘I promise it’s for food’ after he asks for money.” She turned around and I zipped her dress while I kept counting. “How you don’t know who Larry is, even though you probably see him all the time, how Buckminster just sleeps and eats and goes to the bathroom and has no raison d’être, the short ugly guy with no neck who takes tickets at the IMAX theater, how the sun is going to explode one day, how every birthday I always get at least one thing I already have, poor people who get fat because they eat junk food because it’s cheaper...” That was when I ran out of fingers, but my list was just getting started, and I wanted it to be long, because I knew she wouldn’t leave while I was still going. “...domesticated animals, how I have a domesticated animal, nightmares, Microsoft Windows, old people who sit around all day because no one remembers to spend time with them and they’re embarrassed to ask people to spend time with them, secrets, dial phones, how Chinese waitresses smile even when there’s nothing funny or happy, and also how Chinese people own Mexican restaurants but Mexican people never own Chinese restaurants, mirrors, tape decks, my unpopularity at school, Grandma’s coupons, storage facilities, people who don’t know what the Internet is, bad handwriting, beautiful songs, how there won’t be humans in fifty years—”
“Why do beautiful songs make you sad?” “Because they aren’t true.” “Never?” “Nothing is beautiful and true.”
That secret was a hole in the middle of me that every happy thing fell into.
I hope you never love anything as much as I love you.
We needed much bigger pockets, I thought as I lay in bed, counting off the seven minutes it takes a normal person to fall asleep. We need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families, and our friends, and even the people who aren’t on our lists, people we’ve never met but still want to protect. We need pockets for boroughs and for cities, a pocket that could hold the universe. Eight minutes thirty-two seconds... But I knew there couldn’t be pockets that enormous. In the end, everyone loses everyone. There was no invention to get around that, and so I felt, that night, like the turtle that everything else in the universe was on top of.
I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love.
She wrote, I wish I could be a girl again, with the chance to live my life again. I have suffered so much more than I needed to. And the joys I have felt have not always been joyous. I could have lived differently.
Even if it was relatively insignificant, it was something, and I needed to do something, like sharks, who die if they don’t swim, which I know about.
Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.
She’s at home now, writing her life story, she’s typing while I’m leaving, unaware of the chapters to come. It was my suggestion, and at the time I thought it was a very good one, I thought maybe she could express herself rather than suffer herself, if she had a way to relieve the burden, she lived for nothing more than living, with nothing to get inspired by, to care for, to call her own, she helped out at the store, then came home and sat in her big chair and stared at her magazines, not at them but through them, she let the dust accumulate on her shoulders. I pulled my old typewriter from the closet and set her up in the guest room with everything she’d need, a card table for a desk, a chair, paper, some glasses, a pitcher of water, a hotplate, some flowers, crackers, it wasn’t a proper office but it would do, she said, “But it’s a Nothing Place,” I wrote, “What better place to write your life story?”
She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.
I’m sorry for my inability to let the unimportant things go, for my inability to hold on to the important things.
I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live.
He leaned down and whispered, “Haunted.” I whispered back, “I don’t believe in the paranormal.” He said, “Ghosts don’t care if you believe in them,” and even though I was an athiest, I knew he wasn’t right.
“So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds and thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!”
“Do you have any coffee?” I asked. “Coffee!” “It stunts my growth, and I’m afraid of death.”
It was getting hard to keep all the things I didn’t know inside me.
“I haven’t left the apartment in twenty-four years!” “What do you mean?” “Sadly, my boy, I mean exactly what I said! I haven’t left the apartment in twenty-four years! My feet haven’t touched the ground!” “Why not?” “There hasn’t been any reason to!” “What about stuff you need?” “What does someone like me need that he can still get!” “Food. Books. Stuff.” “I call in an order for food, and they bring it to me! I call the bookstore for books, the video store for movies! Pens, stationery, cleaning supplies, medicine! I even order my clothes over the phone! See this!” he said, and he showed me his muscle, which went down instead of up. “I was flyweight champion for nine days!” I asked, “Which nine days?” He said, “Don’t you believe me!” I said, “Of course I do.” “The world is a big place,” he said, “but so is the inside of an apartment! So’s this!” he said, pointing at his head. “But you used to travel so much. You had so many experiences. Don’t you miss the world?” “I do! Very much!”
My boots were so heavy that I was glad there was a column underneath us. How could such a lonely person have been living so close to me my whole life? If I had known, I would have gone up to keep him company. Or I would have made some jewelry for him. Or told him hilarious jokes. Or given him a private tambourine concert.
It made me start to wonder if there were other people so lonely so close. I thought about “Eleanor Rigby.” It’s true, where do they all come from? And where do they all belong?
“Stalin found out about the community and sent his thugs in, just a few days before I got there, to break all of their arms! That was worse than killing them! It was a horrible sight, Oskar: their arms in crude splints, straight in front of them like zombies! They couldn’t feed themselves, because they couldn’t get their hands to their mouths! So you know what they did!” “They starved?” “They fed each other! That’s the difference between heaven and hell! In hell we starve! In heaven we feed each other!” “I don’t believe in the afterlife.” “Neither do I, but I believe in the story!”
I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.
He took pictures of everything. Of the undersides of shelves in the closet. Of the backs of mirrors. Even the broken things. Things you would not want to remember. He could have rebuilt the apartment by taping together the pictures.
I felt suddenly shy. I was not used to shy. I was used to shame. Shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want. Shame is when you turn your head away from something you do not want.
When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.
He asked me to include a photograph of myself. I did not have any photographs of myself that I liked. I understand, now, the tragedy of my childhood. It wasn’t the bombing. It was that I never once liked a photograph of myself. I couldn’t.
I pointed at, If I’d been someone else in a different world I’d’ve done something different. He pointed at, Sometimes one simply wants to disappear. I pointed at, There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself. He pointed at, How sad.
I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live.
She died in my arms, saying, “I don’t want to die.” That is what death is like. It doesn’t matter what uniforms the soldiers are wearing. It doesn’t matter how good the weapons are. I thought if everyone could see what I saw, we would never have war anymore.
“I’m feeling everything.” “This emotionalness of yours, does it affect your daily life?” “Well, to answer your question, I don’t think that’s a real word you used. Emotionalness. But I understand what you were trying to say, and yes. I end up crying a lot, usually in private. It’s extremely hard for me to go to school. I also can’t sleep over at friends’ apartments, because I get panicky about being away from Mom. I’m not very good with people.” “What do you think is going on?” “I feel too much. That’s what’s going on.” “Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?” “My insides don’t match up with my outsides.” “Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up?” “I don’t know. I’m only me.” “Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.” “But it’s worse for me.” “I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him.” “Probably. But it really is worse for me.”
He looked at me and I looked at him. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the first to look away. But, as usual, I was.
It’s the tragedy of loving, you can’t love anything more than something you miss.
I am so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything.
Time was passing like a hand waving from a train that I wanted to be on.
I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you.
I looked at everyone and wondered where they came from, and who they missed, and what they were sorry for.
I read something in National Geographic about how, when an animal thinks it’s going to die, it gets panicky and starts to act crazy. But when it knows it’s going to die, it gets very, very calm.
I stopped eating, I got so skinny that the bathwater would collect between my bones, why didn’t anyone ask me why I was so skinny? If someone had asked, I would never have eaten another bite.
I want an infinitely blank book and the rest of time.
I didn’t want to hear about death. It was all anyone talked about, even when no one was actually talking about it.
“I don’t know. Maybe I was wrong to, but I was expecting him to say he was sorry for things, and tell me he loved me. End-of-life stuff. But there was none of it. He didn’t even say ‘I love you.’ He told me about his will, his life insurance policy, all those horrible businesslike things that feel so inappropriate to think about when someone has died.” “You were disappointed?” “I was angry.” “I’m sorry.” “No. There’s nothing to be sorry for. I thought about it. I thought about it all the time. My father told me where he’d left things, and what he wanted taken care of. He was responsible. He was good. It’s easy to be emotional. You can always make a scene. Remember me eight months ago? That was easy.” “It didn’t sound easy.” “It was simple. Highs and lows make you feel like things matter, but they’re nothing.” “So what’s something?” “Being reliable is something. Being good.”
Albert Einstein, a hero of mine, once wrote, “Our situation is the following. We are standing in front of a closed box which we cannot open.” I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the vast majority of the universe is composed of dark matter. The fragile balance depends on things we’ll never be able to see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Life itself depends on them. What’s real? What isn’t real? Maybe those aren’t the right questions to be asking. What does life depend on? I wish I had made things for life to depend on. What if you never stop inventing? Maybe you’re not inventing at all.
I thought about waking her. But it was unnecessary. There would be other nights. And how can you say I love you to someone you love? I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to her. Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you, Oskar. It’s always necessary.
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